| The Lies We Tell About Others—And Ourselves |
| A few years ago, I was standing at the airport getting ready to board a flight when a man lowered his shoulder and bull-rushed his way through me. No eye contact. No apology. Just an attempted blindside sack without remorse or comment. |
| I felt my pulse spike. |
| What a jerk, I thought to myself. Who does that? |
| As I daydreamed about what I would say if he hadn’t fled so quickly I saw him again—at a gate next to mine — holding his daughter’s hand, tears on her face, dragging a doll and a backpack. The agent was closing the door and he was trying to get on. |
| Oh. |
| He wasn’t rude or a jerk. He was hurried, distracted, and maybe a little desperate and feeling guilty. Any parent knows the awful feeling of rushing a child faster than they can move. If you’ve been there, you know it’s not an experience you wish on someone. |
| And in an instant, I realized I had no idea what he was going through. I didn’t see his stress or fear. I just made a story up to fit what happened. |
| Psychologists have a name for this. It’s called the fundamental attribution error, and it’s a cognitive bias that influences our thoughts and behaviors. |
| It’s our tendency to over-attribute other people’s behavior to their personality or character, while giving ourselves a pass based on context or circumstance. |
| When someone else messes up, they’re lazy, unreliable, selfish. But when we mess up? It’s because we didn’t sleep well, or the kids were sick, or work was stressful. |
| We blame their flaws and excuse our obstacles. |
| It’s not just a mental quirk. Because of the fundamental attribution error, we’re too hard on others. It’s a wedge between us and better relationships. It kills empathy. It fuels resentment. |
| But it’s not just about your perspective, understanding, and relationship with others. The bigger issue might be that we’re also too easy on ourselves. |
| Your bias to excuse your own behaviors could let you off the hook from becoming better, and creates excuses that become blind spots and crutches in your own development. |
| That’s the side of the fundamental attribution error that needs more attention. |
| Because we’re all playing the game called life. And that means many days can feel overwhelming. So when you fall short, you reach for a story that softens the blow: |
| “I’m just not a morning person.” “I’m too busy to cook healthy.” “I can’t work out—I’m too out of shape to start.” “This week is crazy. I’ll start fresh Monday.” |
| And listen: some of our “excuses” are real and challenging. This is not an invitation to beat yourself up. |
| But there’s a line—and it’s blurry—between being kind to yourself and being dishonest. Between giving yourself grace and giving yourself excuses. Between needing support — but also needing a little tough love. |
| It’s something we discuss in the app: we believe empathy can destroy apathy. And, at the same time, you must increase awareness and accountability to create action and change. |
| When we constantly explain away our actions with context—but hold others accountable for theirs with judgment—we’re not only being unfair, we’re building a life where no one gets better. Not the people we could’ve supported. Not the version of ourselves we could’ve become. |
| Self-compassion is a must. You won’t improve by shaming yourself. And it’ll likely weaken your sense of self. But honesty is a must, too. |
| Because if you’re not willing to own your actions—if you’re always a victim of circumstance—you’ll never see how much power you actually have. |
| And if you never assume the best in others, you might miss the chance to be the one bright moment in someone’s hard day. The one who saw them clearly, and chose kindness instead of contempt. |
| The truth is: everyone has a reason. And everyone has a choice. The question is—what do you want to reinforce? |
| The dad in the airport didn’t need a stranger to get angry. He needed someone to give him space. |
| And sometimes, you don’t need another excuse. You need to call yourself up to something higher. To realize that even in the hardest moments, life isn’t out to get you. It’s giving you a challenge that you were built to overcome. |
| So the next time someone shows up in a way that disappoints you, pause. And the next time you show up in a way that disappoints yourself, pause and ask: What story am I telling? Is it helping me? Is it helping anyone else? |
| Because when you stop assuming the worst in others, and stop pretending the best in yourself, something beautiful happens. |
| You grow. You forgive. You see yourself so clearly that you can give yourself exactly what you need. And that’s when you become the kind of person who lifts others—without lowering your own standards. -AB |
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